No worries if not! And other phrases we hide behind.
How to reclaim your language: being polite whilst backing yourself.
If you’re anything like me, you catch yourself using phrases like this much too often. It’s always tagged onto the end of a text, or an email, normally one requesting a small favour or task from the recipient. Other times it’s softening words like ‘maybe’ and ‘I think’, even when you know, because you wouldn’t want to come across as a know-it-all.
So why do we do it? Because I know it’s not just me. Is it out of politeness? Is it a fear of confrontation or rejection? In which case, I think the phrase is almost self fulfilling. The more you say it, the more the recipient will feel they actually don’t have to do what you want them to do, and I wouldn’t be surprised if that means whatever job it was comes knocking at your door.
This act of negating what you say is referred to as ‘hedging’, playing it safe with language, just like you would ‘hedge your bets’. It is a strategy most frequently used by women to express false uncertainty, often as a way to take up less space. One language study found that in conversations women used hedging devices in 53% to 58% of their contributions, whilst men only did so in 42% to 47% of theirs. Other studies show how in a conversation women are more likely to speak in questions and men in statements [1], yet at a conference it’s the men who take the mic and ask most of the questions. [2]
This imbalance in the use of hedging tactics could be due to the bias surrounding participation of women in conversations, where they are frequently perceived as having participated more than they did, in some cases, perceived as dominating the discussion when they only contributed 30%, a figure further impacted by other intersectional factors such as race. This is especially significant in the workplace, affecting the perception of female contributions in meetings, a bias which could impact inter-colleague relations as well as workplace success.
Other times, though hedging can be used to show, politeness, kindness and warmth, a positive impact which we don’t necessarily want to remove. So how do we keep the positives, and lose the negatives?
The solution isn't to abandon all softening language – it's to use it strategically. Start by proofreading your emails for tentative language that undermines your message. Replace "I think this might work" with "This approach will work because..." Don't be afraid of being confident, especially with topics in your area of expertise. You've earned the right to speak with authority about what you know.
Sometimes I tell people to channel their inner straight white male mindset – not because there's anything inherently superior about it, but because it's been socialised to take up space without apology. When you have something valuable to contribute, contribute it fully. Your insights deserve to be heard clearly, not whispered through a forest of maybes and sorries.
The goal isn't to become harsh or dismissive. It's to communicate with intention, ensuring your expertise and ideas get the attention they deserve whilst maintaining the warmth and consideration that makes you effective in the first place.
Ready to put this into practice? Maybe think about… oh wait, no. Sign up to my newsletter where we'll dive deeper into how reclaiming our language can transform not just how we communicate, but how we see ourselves in professional spaces. Because the world needs to hear what you have to say – clearly, confidently, and without apology.
[1] Dubois, Betty Lou, and Isabel Crouch. "The question of tag questions in women's speech: they don't really use more of them, do they?↓." Language in society 4.3 (1975): 289-294.
[2] Carter, Alecia J., et al. "Women’s visibility in academic seminars: Women ask fewer questions than men." PloS one13.9 (2018): e0202743.
